I find it so interesting how God has a way of speaking to me through mundane experiences. Like right now, this blog post is inspired by the fact that at this moment I am sick and my illness has led me to writing.
One thing you need to know about me to understand this post better is that I hate being sick. I find it so unbearable and so uncomfortable. I rarely get (seriously) sick, I mean the only time I was hospitalised was when I delivered my daughter. So when I do get sick, it almost feels like the end of the world for me.
A few days ago at work, I became so sick that I thought I was dying. During that moment, a million thoughts rushed through my mind. “Who is going to take care of my daughter? How will they get me to the hospital? Will my daughter be okay when I am in hospital? How will my family live without me? I hate being an inconvenience. I have so many things I still need to finish. I am not ready to go God. I cannot die now!” My mind was completely overwhelmed by all the thoughts that were flooding my brain at that point. My greatest fear at this moment was that I would pass out and I CANNOT AFFORD TO BE UNCONSCIOUS because who is going to fetch my daughter from school? (among other things).
I had to calm down before I had a heart attack and ask myself, “Who said I am going to die?”
The reason why I felt like I was going to die was because I was feeling out of control. You see I love being in control of things. I am the kind of woman who has always had control of her life even when it has spiralled out of control. Being a single mother has also fed into me constantly wanting to be in control of what happens in my life. I have always felt that I need to be in control because as a single mother, if I slack, then who is going to step up? If I am not there, who is going to hold the fort? There is just me! The minute this controlling behaviour is disturbed, I panic.
Back to the time I thought I was going to die, I had to find a way of calming myself down in order not to worsen my sickness. At that moment I asked myself, “Andisiwe, do you not trust God right now?” “Of course I do but”….. “No buts Andisiwe. It is either you trust that God is with you in sickness and in health or you do not. So, do you trust God?” Of course I did.
This experience made me think back at how I generally struggle to give up without a fight. Sometimes I do not even have to fight yet you will find me in war. At times I will give my problems to God only after trying to fight/solve them and failing. I end up fighting battles that were never mine to fight, bruising myself and feeling depleted/ faithless in the process. God has been very patient with me in this department because I am very stubborn. I will give up and ask God to take over. Once I gain momentum again, I will take my battles back from God. As if God is not doing a great job with them.
This was the one moment I was forced to let go and let God. Because no matter how much I tried to manoeuvre my illness (believe me I tried), I was unable to control it. I decided to give up. I was in no state of continuing with my usual routine and I needed to either go home and rest it off or go to hospital. And of course hospital was a last resort.
I called a close friend to come and fetch my daughter from school and take me home. I got home and slept until the following day and guess what? Nobody died. I was okay. My family was okay. My daughter was okay. Everything was okay. I simply needed to rest.
I often cause so much more stress upon myself simply because I want to fight and I struggle to let go. Yet, letting go can bring such peace and rest into our lives. Letting go and allowing God to do what He does best is the best thing we could do for ourselves. We were never designed to carry everything on our own. God is there to fight our battles, carry our loads and give us peace. If we are constantly fighting our own battles and carrying our heavy loads, how do we expect to see God’s hand working?
This experience has surely taught me the beauty of letting go and letting God, and how much peace it can bring into our lives. From now on I will intentionally work on allowing myself to let go and let God.